CHICKENS

(note that major alterations or additions to the original script are in red)

CAST

CAPTAIN C.K. Trained, lethal killing machine. Captain of the U.S.S. Going for Gold
COMMANDER PINGU Second in command. Blood-sucking, evil, vampire dudette. Trained in the art of chicken exploding
PROF. E. FLIP-FLOP Brilliant brain surgeon and ship's doctor. Surgery success rate - 0% (this is me!)
JO-JO Psycho-psychologist. Has a craving for suicides
SAM-SAM The football man! Ship's engineer and owner of Elvis the Gerbil
ELVIS T. GERBIL Sam-Sam's singing, swinging gerbil. Does cabaret
BILLY Poor Billy no-mates. Evil Queen Chicken's slave.
EVIL QUEEN CHICKEN Evil human (vegetable, animal and mineral)
SAD CASE Chicken ally with a Power Ranger fetish


SCENE 1 - SHIP'S BRIDGE

ELVIS Uh huh huh!
JO-JO Morning Elvis.
ELVIS Thank you, ladies and gentlegerbils. And now for my next song…
Please Release Me…
SAM-SAM Yo dudes
JO-JO And dudettes!
SAM-SAM Yeah. Yeah
PINGU Waak!
C.K. Morning, second in command, Commander Pingu thing who sucks the living daylights out of poor innocent chickens and talks the hell out of her crewmates
PINGU Morning to you too, C.K. Where's Professor Flip-Flop?
C.K. Hanging by his ankles from the ventilation shaft last time I saw him.
FLIP-FLOP Helloooo fans
JO-JO Speak of the Devil
ELVIS Uh huh huh!
FLIP-FLOP Morning. Hic!
SAM-SAM Hey Prof, I thought you were off the concentrated rat droppings for a while
FLIP-FLOP You got to be kidding. Hic!
JO-JO There's better be some left for us this time
C.K. Yes, Professor, there had better be.
JO-JO Have you finished with our brains yet?
FLIP-FLOP Ahh…
JO-JO Problem?
FLIP-FLOP Problem? No. More of a technical hitch really. Erm…
C.K. What did you do?
FLIP-FLOP Well… they, erm… exploded.
JO-JO Exploded?! You idiot! You, you, you Power Ranger!
FLIP-FLOP Ooh, now you've hurt my, hic, pencil shavings.
ELVIS Cool it fans. Listen to my groovy new song.. Uh huh huh.
ALL Shut up!!
PINGU I think there's something wrong with the computer.
C.K. Oh, it's okay. We're only heading towards the chicken planet, Bacofoil, at 300,000,000,000 miles per hour.
PINGU What?!
ALL We're going to die. Arghh!
ELVIS Elvis has left the building.
C.K. Okay, shoot the gerbil.
ELVIS No, I'm too young to die!
FLIP-FLOP But you're not too young for brain surgery.
SAM-SAM Shut up. We're going to crash in …
COMPUTER Five. Four. Three. Two. One. 

(Explosion)

We have now crashed. Thank you for flying with…

(Fizzes then explodes)

SAM-SAM Now the computer's broken.
PINGU I hope I haven't lost any feathers
SAM-SAM Shut it, budgie. Just as I thought - the main brain has exploded and died.
FLIP-FLOP Like my experiments.
C.K. Okay, okay. The only solution is to find a new brain.
PINGU What? Out there on that suicide planet of a cess pit. No way!
C.K. Well, there aren't any brains handy around here are there?
SAM-SAM Someone will have to go out and get one from the planet.
FLIP-FLOP From one of the chickens you mean? Cool!
SAM-SAM Who's going to be daft enough to go out there?
ALL I'll go!

 


SCENE 2 - PLANET BACOFOIL SURFACE

PINGU This is scary. I don't mean like Power Ranger scary but when you've got three numbers on the lottery scary.
SAM-SAM I said shut it, budgie.
PINGU I'm not a budgie; I'm a pedigree penguin.
FLIP-FLOP And everything else.
SAM-SAM Yeah, that's what I said, budgie.
PINGU I still outrank you.
C.K. Stop arguing, you two. Listen. I hear someone singing.
SAD CASE (In distance) Go, go Power Rangers.
FLIP-FLOP Noooo! Run!
C.K. It doesn't sound like a chicken.
FLIP-FLOP I'm not bothered about that.
JO-JO I agree. I'd rather face a chicken than a Power Ranger fan.
PINGU Calm down. If it is a Power Ranger, it may need help.
JO-JO It does need help, more like.
SAM-SAM Listen, are we going to get a brain or not? Right then. Onward.


SCENE 3 - QUEEN CHICKEN'S LAIR

QUEEN Ha, ha, ha. Those poor fools. They haven't a chance against us, or rather, me.
BILLY But your Chickenness, your royal and slimy disgusting wart on the face of inhumanityness, what happens if they find Sad Case?
QUEEN Then my chicken will hatch out of her and infest the lot of them.
BILLY Brilliant, your Evilness.
QUEEN And you will lead them to my egg chamber and make sure they are all implanted.
BILLY Erm…
QUEEN DO IT! OR I WILL SUCK OUT YOUR BRAIN AND FEED IT TO THE CHICKENS!! 
BILLY Yes, oh Grotesque one.



SCENE 4 - CONTROL CENTRE, PLANET BACOFOIL

JO-JO Oh, hell!
SAD CASE Go, go Power Rangers. Der,der,der,der,der.
C.K. I think this is a job for a psycho-psychologist.
JO-JO Right. (to Sadcase) Hello. I'm Jo-Jo, your friendly psycho-psychologist.
SAD CASE Do you like Power Rangers?
JO-JO (Whispering) What should I say?
PINGU I don't know. You're the psychologist. Just lie, that's what they do isn't it?
JO-JO Right. Yes! I love Power Rangers!
SAD CASE Oh goody. Will you play with me?
JO-JO I'm a psychologist, not a nursery teacher.
SAD CASE Don't shout at me. (Starts crying)
FLIP-FLOP Great, that's all we need.
BILLY Oh, hello.
SAM-SAM Not another one.
BILLY Excuse me, I lost my way. I am not working for the chickens, before you ask. I am not here to lure you to your doom and I have not just come from a pit-full of slimy, disgusting, new-born killer chickens.
C.K. (Whispering to others) I think she's lying.
FLIP-FLOP Anyone for brain surgery? 
C.K. Hold on. You mean you, erm…
BILLY Billy.
C.K. Billy. Hmm. You mean you actually live on this scum of a planet?
BILLY Not with the chickens, of course. Why would I ever want to live with the chickens?
C.K. Do you know where we might find a chicken brain?
BILLY Actually I do. There's a mini-mall at the top of the Power Station. It sells handy little things such as inflatable bananas and chicken brains. You never know when you might need an inflatable banana.
SAM-SAM Yeah, right.
PINGU (Sarcastically) How convenient.
BILLY I'll show you, if you like.
C.K. Right, fine
SAD CASE Ooh. I don't feel too good,
C.K. (To Pingu) You better take the er… guest to the ship. Jo-Jo, Flip-Flop and myself and going shopping.


SCENE 5 - U.S.S. GOING FOR GOLD

SAD CASE How much further? My claws are getting tired. What time is it? Hold on, what year is it? Where am I?
PINGU Don't ask.
SAD CASE I just did.
SAM-SAM Here we are. Escape pod, sweet escape pod.
SAD CASE Eeee… what's that?
PINGU What's wrong now?
SAD CASE Nothing - I just thought I heard a chicken cluck real close by.
PINGU Sad Case, don't tempt me.
SAD CASE Tempt you to what?
PINGU Dunk your head in paraffin, paint pink spots all over your hairy little face and use you as target practice with burning torches.
SAM-SAM Ah, nice. Can I join in?


SCENE 6 - THE CHICKENS' LAIR

FLIP-FLOP Erm, Billy, this doesn't look like a hypermarket.
JO-JO Yeah, it looks more like a pit of bloodthirsty killer chickens, itching to get their claws into us and hell-bent on destroying all of humanity.
C.K. I fear you are right.
BILLY Tricked you didn't I? Ha, ha, suckers. Now the big Queen Chicken, bless her evil twisted mind, will get you all and I will get that new Pinkie and Perkie CD I've always wanted.
C.K. You are a very sad alien.
BILLY Watch it, turkey.

(Billy runs off)

FLIP-FLOP Oh dear.
JO-JO What do you mean 'Oh dear'? We're all going to die!
FLIP-FLOP What do you want me to say? HALLELUJAH! WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET OUR HEADS BLOWN OFF! I can tap-dance too if you want.
C.K. Watch it.
QUEEN Greetings, chicken feed.
JO-JO Oh, flip…
FLIP-FLOP Yes dear?
QUEEN As you probably know, you are about to become the filling of a psycho sandwich. That or you can…
C.K Can what? Anything but a psycho sandwich.
QUEEN Or, you can watch Fifteen to One for the rest of your miserable lives.
C.K. Okay, pass the bread.
BILLY Your evilness, the loony ones have arrived back at the ship.
QUEEN Ah, good. You, my psychotic friends, will go in one piece. But only if you promise to scream nice and loud when you die. Hahahahaha. 
JO-JO Fine. Okay, what do we do now?
FLIP-FLOP Yeah, erm bye. Hic!
QUEEN Go, you scum of Bacofoil.
C.K. Touchy.
QUEEN SCRAM!!!!


SCENE 7 - U.S.S. GOING FOR GOLD

PINGU Where's Elvis?
SAD CASE  I got hungry.
SAM-SAM You ate him? You ate my gerbil?
PINGU Don't be too hard on 'her'. He had it coming.
SAM-SAM That's true.

(C.K. Flip-Flop and Jo-Jo burst in)

C.K. Quick lock all doors, windows and gerbil-flaps. Where is Elvis?
SAM-SAM She ate him.
SAD CASE I was hungry.
JO-JO Stop squabbling, we have to…
FLIP-FLOP Eeek. Look at that!

(Sad Case convulses then a chicken explodes from her stomach)

CHICKEN Hulloo. Boc!

(Chicken runs off)

SAD CASE  Ouch!

(She dies)

SAM-SAM Do you think she's dead?
PINGU If your intestines were wrapped around your neck, your heart hanging down by your ankles and your lungs jumping about the floor, don't you think you'd be dead?
FLIP-FLOP I'm not dead.
C.K. Unfortunately
JO-JO Now what? I suggest we eat the body.
SAM-SAM No, Jo-Jo. Not this time - it's my turn.
PINGU Will you please stop that.
ELVIS Uh huh huh.
JO-JO Oh no, it's a hideously lifelike reincarnation of Elvis T. Gerbil OBE.
SAM-SAM What does OBE mean?
JO-JO I think it's 'obnoxious, brutal existence'
FLIP-FLOP Cool, I didn't know that. I only blow brains up; I don't actually have one.
C.K. Excuse me for breaking up your little cocktail party, but there is a rather large chicken headed straight for us.
PINGU Run! WAAAAK!
FLIP-FLOP Oh, not again.
JO-JO What?!
FLIP-FLOP She's becoming a…
ALL Vampire penguin!
PINGU I vant some blood.
C.K. We're all out of blood at the moment Pingi. We've got some Lilt.TM
JO-JO The giant chicken is still on its way, and I don't think he's here to do any exotic dancing

(Chicken starts dancing)

FLIP-FLOP There's a first time for everything.
C.K. Where are we going to run to?
ELVIS Uh huh huh. Elvis has left the building.
JO-JO Wrong. Elvis has popped his funny little clogs.
SAM-SAM This way. Quickly.


SCENE 8 - HEAVEN'S GATE

ANGEL C. Ahh, boc! Ahh, boc! Ahh, boc! Ahh, boc!
SAD CASE Hey, Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
GOD (ELVIS) Thank you, ma'am. Next, uh huh huh. Sad Case, you have been chosen to be sent back to Planet Bacofoil to save your friends from certain doom. Uh huh huh.
SAD CASE Cool! Can I be sent back as the Yellow Power Ranger?
GOD (ELVIS) Hmm, that's the fifth one today. Nope, I'm sorry, ma'am, but you're going to have to go back as yourself.
SAD CASE I'll settle for Tom Cruise's wife.
GOD (ELVIS) Goodbye, Sad Case. Go rescue your chums.
SAD CASE Damn. I always did like him in Top Gun. TM



SCENE 9 - U.S.S. GOING FOR GOLD TOILETS

C.K. Sam-Sam, may I enquire as to why you have brought us to the toilets.
SAM-SAM It's safe
JO-JO Who for?
SAM-SAM Damn. Foiled in my attempt to wipe you out completely.
FLIP-FLOP What? You mean you were helping the chickens all along?
SAM-SAM Yup, you got me.
SAD CASE Hullo
PINGU Not you again. I thought, I hoped, you were dead.
SAM-SAM Told you.
JO-JO Quiet, traitor.
SAM-SAM So?
C.K. We must give Sam-Sam another chance, after all, he did confess.
SAM-SAM I did? Oh, yeah.
C.K. You must lead us to the Queen Chicken. She has the biggest brain and the biggest mouth on this planet.
FLIP-FLOP Cool! Let's go. 

 

SCENE 10 - QUEEN CHICKEN'S LAIR

QUEEN Drat! That fool, Sam-Sam has confessed. He will pay dearly for this. Now I'm really annoyed. I feel like frying someone's brains. Oh, Billy…
BILLY Yes, your filthyness. Arghhhh!

(Queen Chicken fries Billy's brains)

SCENE 11 - ON THE WAY TO QUEEN CHICKEN'S LAIR

SAM-SAM Why am I doing this? I should be in Vegas, sipping cocktails and playing cards with Michelle Pfeiffer and Ren and Stimpy, not going straight into the jaws of doom.
JO-JO Shut up, before I brain you.
FLIP-FLOP Hey, that's my job.
C.K. You're not leading us into the jaws of doom, Sam-Sam. Just helping us escape this planet of filth once and for all.
PINGU We need a brain to escape from the planet, remember? Maybe then we can go card playing with Ren and Stimpy. I don't know about Michelle Pfeiffer though.
SAD CASE Go, go Power Rangers.
JO-JO Who let her tag along?
SAD CASE I told you I'm here to save you from your doom. I don't know how though.
C.K. Her singing ought to do the trick.
SAD CASE Hey! Some people like my singing.
FLIP-FLOP (Sarcastically) Only if you happen to be a cat in the most terrible pain.
SAD CASE I'm not your friend now.
FLIP-FLOP (Sarcastically) No, please be friends with me. I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't friends with an ugly, Des O'Connor look-a-like, like you.
PINGU Stop it and shut up. We're here.

 

SCENE 12 - THE CHICKENS' LAIR

CHICKEN Boc!
ELVIS Uh huh huh.
SAD CASE Cool, look at all those chickens. I bet they'll play with me.

(Chickens cringe in fear)

FLIP-FLOP Look, they're sacred.
C.K. They're not the only ones.
JO-JO Pass the earplugs.
PINGU No, I get the nutty one's point
FLIP-FLOP Yes, dear?

(She kicks him)

PINGU If Sad Case were to sing loud enough, maybe the molecular structure of the omni-carnivorous, biomolecular prognostication of the lethal, psychedelic, psychotic, megalomaniacs with schizophrenia would spontaneously combust.
FLIP-FLOP Yeah. Whatever.
C.K. In English please. Or you could try Swahili.
PINGU Neow nito creeodinack blingmigbog neow ning nang xiliandioquetzal briangbrong telephonous Dale Winton.
ALL Ahh.
FLIP-FLOP Good idea, Pingi.
SAM-SAM Yeah, cool.
PINGU I owe it all to my 'Country Life' subscription.
SAD CASE You think I'm mad. This is a case for you, Jo-Jo.
JO-JO Pingi's not mad - well, not entirely… much. She does have a point. If you sing, the ferocious chicken bird dudes might explode.
SAD CASE Are you trying to tell me something?
ALL Der!
C.K. Just sing.
SAM-SAM Just let us get to a safe distance first.
ALL Now SING!!!
SAD CASE GO, GO POWER RANGERS!
PINGU Sing my lunatic asylum outpatient.
SAD CASE BOC, BOC, BOC, BOC, BOC, BOC, BOC, (Continues throughout)
CHICKENS (Over Sad Case's singing) This is one seriously weird Power Ranger fan.

(They run from the chickens)

PINGU I think we took a wrong turn, this is Gateway car park.
SAM-SAM This can't be right. Sad Case must have given us the wrong directions.
SAD CASE  I was unconscious at the time.
C.K. We'll have to start again now.
JO-JO Hey, guys. There's a cross between Rita Repulsa and a giant chicken heading straight for us.
FLIP-FLOP It's the Chicken Queen. RUN!!!

(They run)

PINGU No! Not again.
JO-JO As she is she bites our necks, what will she turn into next?
SAM-SAM My money's on android.
FLIP-FLIP Is it just me? But I'm the weirdest feeling of deja-vu. Last time she morphed, we also had a disagreeable thing coming towards us at about 900,000 miles per hour.
C.K. You're right. We'd better go.
FLIP-FLOP How long 'til full morph?
JO-JO (Desperately) Another thirty seconds!
SAM-SAM  It appears we have to choose. Leave the budgie/vampire/android to get violently slaughtered by the oncoming chicken or wait for her and get killed ourselves.
JO-JO No contest.
ALL Run!
PINGU (Beeping) Wait for me!

 

SCENE 14 - OUTSIDE
(what happened to Scene 13? who knows? who cares?)

C.K. We gotta go back for Pingi.
PINGU I'm here, fully morphed into android mode. 
C.K. We still need that brain.
SAM-SAM Why can't we use the back-up brain?
ALL The WHAT?!
SAM-SAM Back-up brain.
JO-JO You, you Ryan Giggs!
PINGU Cher!
FLIP-FLOP Russell Grant!
C.K. Andie McBowell!
JO-JO Mystic Meg!
PINGU Anthea Turner's fuzzy pink bra!
FLIP-FLOP Jason Donovan!
C.K. Dolph Lundgren!
JO-JO No, you Take That!!!

(Everyone does Take That impressions)

SAM-SAM Okay, okay, so you're annoyed with me. No one asked if we had a back-up.

(Everyone hits him)

PINGU The chicken's still on its way
C.K. Set bazookoids, flame-throwers, microwaves, Jason Donovan CDs and chain saws to kill, we're going in.
SAM-SAM Great. Where are we going to get those from?

(Silence)

C.K. Okay, skip the heavy stuff. Where Sad Case?
SAD CASE I'm here.
C.K. Damn! I hoped we'd lost you.
FLIP-FLOP Skill.
SAM-SAM Those vicious dudes are still multiplying. Listen.
CHICKENS 2 x 2 = 4. 3 x 3 = 9. 4 x 4 =16. etc.
SAM-SAM Boy, do they look hungry.
CHICKENS Boc, boc. Squawk. I could murder a Going for Gold crewmember.
POSH C. Actually I prefer a spiffing slap-up lunch at the Savoy. You know - champagne, truffles, the whole jolly lot.
SAD CASE Go, Go, Power Rangers.

(Chickens start melting/dying)

C.K. Sad Case, don't stop.
SAD CASE They're coming to take me away. Ha ha.
PINGU Quickly, back to the ship.
ALL No problem.


SCENE 15 - U.S.S. GOING FOR GOLD

(All rush in)

C.K. We made it.
PINGU Lieutenant, set course for Las Vegas. Ren and Stimpy, here we come.
SAM-SAM Co-ordinates set. Wait - shouldn't we blow up the planet first?
PINGU Go ahead
SAM-SAM Yes, ma'am.
JO-JO Activating the back-up brain now.
COMPUTER Welcome back to the U.S.S. Going for Gold. I hope you had a pleasant trip and will fly with us again soon.
FLIP-FLOP Whose brain is it?
SAM-SAM Erm, Mrs Braithwaite mixed with bits of Hunter the Gladiator and Anthea Turner.
COMPUTER We have now left the Bacofoil atmosphere. Atomic bomb sequence awaiting verification.
C.K. Captain C.K. - 1945385
PINGU Commander Pingu - 24584903
SAM-SAM Lieutenant Sam-Sam - 84520256
JO-JO Counsellor Jo-Jo - 42956396
FLIP-FLIP Professor Flip-Flop - 6
COMPUTER Sequence activated. If you experience turbulence and violent side effects such as mutating into hideous beings, singing Take That songs and going to Michael Jackson concerts, please do not hesitate to shoot yourselves. 5,4,3,2,1. The planet will now explode.

(Explosion)

COMPUTER The planet has now exploded.
ALL Cool!
POSH C. Spiffing.
JO-JO Who said that?
POSH C. I did. Jolly good fireworks, don't you think? One does have a tendency to like beautiful, glowy things.
C.K. What are you doing here? I thought you got blown up.
POSH C. I came in to use your loo. You don't mind do you?
ALL No, no, not at all.
SAD CASE Go, go Power Rangers. Der, der, der, der.
POSH C. I say, C.K., old girl. Would you do me the honour of becoming my lawfully wedded mental outpatient for a wife?
FLIP-FLOP What?
C.K. Oh… Yes! I…I will marry you

(Vomiting noises)

POSH C. Jolly good.
FLIP-FLOP Pass the sick bucket.
JO-JO One for me too.
PINGU And me
SAD CASE I think it's nice
COMPUTER No… Violent love scenes.

(Computer fizzles then recovers)

DEATH (In shuttle outside the ship) SORRY I'M LATE. DID I MISS ANYTHING?
C.K. Take us out of orbit, Pingu.
SAM-SAM Isn't that DEATH?
C.K. Bring the immortal one aboard.

(DEATH is beamed aboard)

DEATH THANKS, C.K.
C.K. Commander Pingu.
PINGU Yes, Captain?
C.K. Now you may take us out of orbit.
PINGU Aye, aye, Sir.

(Outside shot of U.S.S. Going for Gold warping away towards us)

JO-JO (In distance) Captain?
C.K. (In distance) Yes?
JO-JO (In distance) The warp engines and the air recycler have just packed up.
ALL (In distance) OH SHIT!!!!

 

THE END