Terrible Jokes
(puntastic groaners, be warned)




Pub Jokes



A bear walks into a pub and goes to the bar

"can I get a beer..................... and some peanuts please"

The bartender says no problem, but why the big pause?

The bear throws his arms up and says

"I don't know, I was born with them"

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A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."





General Puns



Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism.
`

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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop

It was sole destroying

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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

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A communist joke isn’t funny… unless everyone gets it.


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What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "Aye, matey!"
 
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Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

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What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey.

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What do you call a factory that sells passable products?

A satisfactory!

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Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?

He pasta way.

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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant!

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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything!





Knock Knock Jokes

Knock knock!

Who's there?

To

To who?

No, " to whom."





What's the Difference



What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales?

One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

Attire!

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What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi doooooo

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What’s the difference between a nun at prayer and a nun in the bath?

One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.

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What is the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

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What’s the difference between Father Christmas and a dog?

Father Christmas wears a suit, and a dog just… pants!