Terrible Jokes(puntastic groaners, be warned)
Pub Jokes
A bear walks into a pub and goes to the bar
"can I get a beer..................... and some peanuts please"
The bartender says no problem, but why the big pause?
The bear throws his arms up and says
"I don't know, I was born with them"
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A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
General Puns
Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop
It was sole destroying
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
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A communist joke isn’t funny… unless everyone gets it.
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
"Aye, matey!"
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Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
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What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
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What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory!
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Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant!
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock knock!
Who's there?
To
To who?
No, " to whom."
What's the Difference
What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire!
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What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi doooooo
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What’s the difference between a nun at prayer and a nun in the bath?
One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.
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What is the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
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What’s the difference between Father Christmas and a dog?
Father Christmas wears a suit, and a dog just… pants!