Terrible Jokes
(puntastic groaners, be warned)

Pub Jokes

A bear walks into a pub and goes to the bar

"can I get a beer..................... and some peanuts please"

The bartender says no problem, but why the big pause?

The bear throws his arms up and says

"I don't know, I was born with them"


A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

General Puns

Where do bad rainbows go?



I used to work in a shoe recycling shop

It was sole destroying


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.


Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.


Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.


A communist joke isn’t funny… unless everyone gets it.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "Aye, matey!"
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.


Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.


What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey.


What do you call a factory that sells passable products?

A satisfactory!


Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?

He pasta way.


What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant!


What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything!

Knock Knock Jokes

Knock knock!

Who's there?


To who?

No, " to whom."

What's the Difference

What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales?

One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.


What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?



What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi doooooo


What’s the difference between a nun at prayer and a nun in the bath?

One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.


What is the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.


What’s the difference between Father Christmas and a dog?

Father Christmas wears a suit, and a dog just… pants!